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In the third of our posts on improving your screenwriting style we’re going to take a look at a piece of scene description from The Virgin Suicides. Again, we’re going to write an “uninspired” version of the scene description, followed by the actual scene description in the screenplay.

So, here’s a piece of description from the screenplay to The Virgin Suicides.

A less skilled writer would write the following scene like this:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – BALDINO’S HOUSE – DAY

The neighborhood boys are all listening to PAUL BALDINO speak. Paul seems to think he is some kind of gangster. We can see he is wearing a gold pinky ring as he throws his arms about.

PAUL

She sprayed the place, man – there was blood everywhere!

*                    *                    *

Instead, Sofia Coppola writes the scene like this:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD – BALDINO’S HOUSE – DAY

The neighborhood boys are gathered around PAUL BALDINO. Paul, who at 14, is a junior version of his gangster father, with dark pit-bull circles under his eyes, and wide hips. He waves his hands as he talks, his gold pinky ring catching the light. The boys listen to him intensely.

PAUL

She sprayed the place, man – there was blood everywhere!

*                    *                    *

As in the Sideways example, in this piece of description, Sofia “directs” the viewer with her sentences. The description starts with “The neighborhood boys are gathered around PAUL BALDINO.” This implies a wide shot of the boys listening to Paul. Then, we focus on Paul himself with his snippet of description. Then there is a “CLOSE UP” of his pinky ring catching the sunlight as he talks. Finally, we are back on the boys, maybe up close, maybe still wide, as they continue to listen.

Also, notice her choice of words. The line, “Paul, who at 14, is a junior version of his gangster father, with dark pit-bull circles under his eyes, and wide hips,” brilliantly describes his character without even mentioning what he’s wearing or his hair style. With the allusion to his “gangster father” we know exactly where this kid’s coming from.

And notice the choice of words when describing the boys. “Gathered” suggests attentiveness, and in the final line, with the word “intensely” we can practically see their faces full of concentration.

We hope this has been helpful and in our next post we’ll break down another scene and analyze its scene description. Keep writing!