Improve Your Writing Style (pt 2)
In the second of our posts on improving your screenwriting style we’re going to take a look at a few examples from popular screenplays. We’re going to take a scene from a famous film, write an “uninspired” version of the scene description, followed by the actual scene description in the screenplay. Seeing both side by side really helps see the difference in flat, uninspired writing and image-driven professional writing.
So, let’s get started with an example from one of our favorite films, Sideways.
A less skilled writer would write the following scene like this:
INT. ROADSIDE IHOP – DAY
Jack and Miles sit in a diner. The sexy, young WAITRESS arrives and serves them their food. Jack can’t keep his eyes off her as she leaves the table.
JACK
Fuck man, too early in the morning for that, you know what I mean?
* * *
Instead, Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor wrote the scene like this:
INT. ROADSIDE IHOP – DAY
TWO PLATES OF FOOD float in front of two breasts tucked inside a zippered uniform.
WIDER –
Disheveled and unshaven, Jack and Miles are served breakfast by a young, innocently sexy WAITRESS. Jack leers after her.
JACK
Fuck man, too early in the morning for that, you know what I mean?
* * *
Notice how strong an image the first line about the two plates of floating food is, and how it draws your attention straight away to the object of Jack’s lust. Zeroing in on specifics can be a great way of starting a scene. It’s a very cinematic technique which gives the impression of watching the film. It also “directs” the camera, without actually using the terms “CLOSE ON” and “WIDE to reveal.”
OK, we know the writers have actually used “WIDER” in this example, but we advise against this. Established writers are not bound by the rules of spec screenplay writing and you should try to avoid using camera direction at all costs.
Next, Jack and Miles are described as “disheveled and unshaven”—phrases that immediately give the reader a great little thumbnail sketch of the state their in. Likewise, the waitress is described as “young and innocently sexy.” The word “Innocently” accentuating her youth, rather than just saying she’s “sexy.” Always try to include these short character sketches in your writing when you can.
Finally ALWAYS avoid cliché. The phrase “can’t keep his eyes off her” is a cliché and doesn’t quite bring to mind Jack’s lust in the way “leers” does.
We hope this has been helpful and in our next post we’ll break down another scene and analyze its scene description. Keep writing!
