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I was leafing through my copy of Cinematic Storytelling by Jennifer Van Sijll, when I came across her analysis of the “adrenalin shot” scene in Pulp Fiction. Her analysis of this scene neatly follows on from our series of posts on how to improve your scene description.

So, in today’s post we thought we’d take a look at writing action within a scene and how to improve it.  (By “action” we don’t necessarily mean guns blazing at helicopters. Action means character movements not covered by scene description or dialogue.)

This technique not only generates much more suspense in a scene, but also creates a leaner, more focussed writing style. Who can argue with that? So, let’s get to it.

Remember the scene in Pulp Fiction when Mia overdoses and Vincent plunges a needle into her chest? Here’s the style of writing many less-experienced writers would employ when tackling this scene:

Vincent holds the needle above his head, ready to plunge it in Mia’s chest.

VINCENT

Count to three.

LANCE

One… Two… Three!

Vincent plunges the needle hard into her chest.

Mia’s eyes pop open and she bolts upright, screaming.

*                    *                    *

Now, take a look at how Tarantino actually wrote the scene:

Vincent lifts the needle up above his head in a stabbing motion. He looks down on Mia.

Mia is fading fast. Soon nothing will help her.

Vincent’s eyes narrow, ready to do this.

VINCENT

Count to three.

LANCE

One…

RED DOT on Mia’s body.

Needle raised ready to strike.

LANCE (O.S)

…two…

Jody’s face is alive with anticipation.

NEEDLE in the air, poised like a rattler ready to strike.

LANCE (O.S)

…three!

The needle leaves frame, THRUSTING down hard.

Vincent brings the needle down hard, STABBING Mia in the chest.

Mia’s head is JOLTED from the impact.

The syringe plunger is pushed down, PUMPING the adrenalin out through the needle.

Mia’s eyes POP WIDE OPEN and she lets out a HELLISH cry of the banshee. She BOLTS UP in a sitting position, needle stuck in her chest – SCREAMING.

*                    *                    *

The main difference between the two versions is the amount of suspense generated. The first has very little, but the second is full of tension. But how does Tarantino create this tension? Well, as Jennifer points out, it’s all about extending time.

The first version is in fact closer to real time. In real life Vincent would take a moment to prepare himself, lift up the needle above his head, wait for Lance’s three second countdown and plunge it in. This is what happens in the first version, but in Tarantino’s version everything is slowed down, thus increasing the amount of suspense as we wait for Vincent to plunge the needle into Mia’s chest.

He does this by using cutaways and reaction shots of the other characters in the scene. Each line, while not mentioning “CLOSE UP”, “MEDIUM SHOT,” or “WIDE” distinctly implies one of these nevertheless. “Vincent’s eyes narrow.” “The red dot on Mia’s chest.” etc. all serve to increase our anxiety because we’re literally left waiting for it to happen.

By expanding time to create suspense, the writer is letting the audience know this is an important moment in the film. It’s a great technique to use in those critical scenes such as major act breaks and the climax and is very effective at heightening suspense when needs be.

Be sure to not only catch our next post on writing action within a scene but, if you haven’t already done so, pick up a copy of Jennifer’s book, Cinematic Storytelling. It’s designed for filmmakers but contains a ton of great info for writers too.